Salamanca

Yesterday was our first full day in Salamanca and it went quite well.. we had a tour of the city and then time to hang out and do whatever.

Last night we all ended up going out together around 11:00pm... The bar we went to, was absolutely awesome. Thats all there is to it...

Girls drank for FREE all night long - "open bar" - at least as far as beer, sangria and some other drink were concerned. None of us planned on getting wasted... but man, we just couldn´t pass up free alcohol. As for the guys, they had to pay a whopping 4 euros (about 5 bucks), and then drank as much as they wanted too. I couldn´t believe it, none of us could. And, whats more, this is apparently the case at this bar EVERY tuesday and wednesday!! So yeah, we all now know when we´re going to be getting totally wasted... ::grin::

Then this morning at 8:30am we had our placement test... don´t know how it went, but will find out here very shortly (like 15 mins actually...)... I´m guessing I´ll be in the "beginner" class. But, yeah. I still can´t quite believe I drank so much (had at least 8 drinks) for FREE. Pure crazyness. I wonder if other bars have the same deal on other nights... God bless Salamanca, god bless spain... where beer is cheaper than frigging water!!

Salamanca, the hurricane... crazyness!!

Hmm.. I just got done reading about the Hurricane, of which I have not heard (or at least understood) much, until now. I don´t know what to say. Its, its just frigging crazy.

Anyhow though, I´m in Salamanca now, and so have finally been able to unpack and settle-down, which is very nice. Tommorrow we have our placement test and find out what classes we are taking, and when they are, and get our books, and all of that kind of stuff.. So thats kind of exciting.

Other than that though haven´t been doing too much... Mostly just haning out, sleeping and eating. (the food is qutie good, incidentally).

Toledo, Madrid, Spain!!

Well, Spain is quite cool. We´ve been doing some site-seeing these past couple of days... Finally got our cell phones today, so now I can finally call people/be called.

Today we went to Toledo, which was a pretty cool city. Lots of big, old buildings... The Cathedral was pretty cool/amazing, and definetly beautiful.

Can´t wait to get to Salamanca tommorrow night. Should be interesting. Apparently, the house that I´m living in is pretty nice, so thats exciting... though I think its one of the farthest from the University, but thats OK, just means I´ll get more excersize..

I can´t quite believe how much money I´ve spent in the past few days. Spains much more expensive than i initially relized, kinda scared. Hopefully though, once we get to Salamanca (and stop having to pay for meals..), it will become a bit cheaper. I guess you could say that right now, at least, we are kind of on ´vacation´and then as of tommorrow night we´ll be ´home´. Or something.

Madrid

I made it to Spain just fine yesteday, and have been wandering around the streets of Madrid ever since (well, except for a few hours when i went to bed, obviously=). Turns out I´m rooming with Breana, who´s from Colorado. At first, this was super cool - I didn´t in fact have to wander around by myself. However, as the day/night progressed... I decided that I wasn´t quite sure.

See, she´s a bit of a well... a wimp. Seems a bit scared to cross streets, if theres a car coming (even if its like 1/4 mile away!!) for some strange reason (this being despite the fact that shes lived in/around DENVER her entire frigging life...). And then, last night, after dinner when it was just barely starting to get dark around 9:30... she said, and I quote ´´I don´t realy like walking around after dark, especially in Madrid...´´ so, we went back to the Hotel, and guess what? She went to frigging bed. Obviously, this is WAY to early for bed for me (I´d be up around like 6:30, at the latest...), so I stayed up and read for a little while, before becoming bored and going out to wander around Madrid, at night, by myself. It wasn´t bad, but I couldn´t really find much to do, so in the end I settled for a beer at a random bar and then went back and read an listend to my iPod for a while untill I finally went to bed around 2am (and, you know what?? I *still* woke up before here - at 9:30am.. I just don´t know how people can sleep for sooo frigging long...).

In anycase though, so far Madrids been pretty cool. Lots of people (really, too many for my tastes..), and I think I managed to find the ´´happenin´´ section of town a little bit ago, so hopefully tonight will be more fun than last.

Been back from Canada for just over a week now, and am in terrible turmoil still. Up untill Saturday, I thought things might be, overall, OK. Kevin was calling me his girlfriend, even told me that he loved me a couple of times. And then I asked the hard questions.

Do you love me? Are you still mad at me? That sort of thing... and the answers were painful, he still doesn't know if he loves me. He's confused. He's 'not happy' with me... still mad, in other words, but doesn't want to admit it. But at least he still wants to be friends. So, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that, for now. Have to be OK with that... though I really don't want to be. I just want to be with him, to feel his love again. Want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, thats all. But he won't do that... can't, something. I don't know.

I think he's scared, scared of loving me. Scared that he's going to drag me around the country and make me unhappy... But, I'll do anything in the world to be with him, to be by his side. I guess I am going to Spain this fall... four months away from each other. I'm scared to death what that will do. Maybe it'll be good... maybe just one month (Canada), wasn't/isn't long enough for him to see how much I mean to him. I just... I just hope that someday we're together again. Thats all. I love him, I miss him, and I want to be with him, always and forever.

Because I've always loved him, always. And I always will... I know that, there's no question in my mind. His dad says he just 'needs to grow up'... I hope he hurries it up, because I just want to be loved. And nobody else in the world, means anything to me, besides him (and my family, of course). I have zero desire to be with anyone else, ever. I just love him too much. I want to hear his voice everyday, lay beside him every night, hold him in my arms, rub his back. I just love him.

Caring

How can he not care, at just a snap of a finger, just all of a sudden not care. He says that he still does, but obviously he does not. Just a stone cold face, never smiling - not at me. No emotion at all, not a hint of sorrow. Just this is how things are, and fuck you.

I love him to death, to the point that I don't know what to do. All I can think about is him. And whenever I do, its all I can do to keep myself from crying, crying because I miss him. And its all my fault. Every little bit of it, and nothing I can do to make it right.

Nothing in the world that I could ever do, to make it one tiny little bit better. All I want to do, is hug him, and be hugged, held, kissed. Forgiven. Apparently I never forgive people. And apparently I'm a horrible person. Everyone says thats not true, but thats what he said, and I hate to admit it but I value his opion more than anyone elses. Hes my world, and hes gone... and so too thus is my world.

What am I going to do now... Now that I'm living alone. I feel like an empty shell now, just going through the motions. Can't eat or drink, hardly sleep. I feel sick inside, and all I want to do now is cry. I love him too much, can't believe that I've lost him.

I just dont' know what to do now. Don't have the slightest clue... All I want to do is lay down and die... make it all go away... Just make the pain stop, make it stop hurting.

Pain.

Its over, its all over. Today (well, last night really), Kevin broke up with me. It hurts more than I can ever possibly describe. I don't know what to do, I really really do not. I am going to Canada on monday, leaving at 6:00am. On the 25th of august i am flying from pittsburgh to spain. I won't be back untill December. God knows where Kevin will be by then. I hope somewhere, where I can get to though, hopefully somewhere here in the states.

I will follow him for the rest of my life, begging for forgiveness, and for him to take me back. I really don't know if it will ever happen though.

I feel so incredibly stupid and retarded, so ashamed of myself that I can't even describe it. I don't know what to do or to say, I don't know who I can talk to. I have to stop begging him to take me back though - as is its only causing him more pain and hurt. I have to grow up, I have to move on, but I just really don't know how to. I feel much like I did when I came home from camp to my parents getting divorced - only, somehow this is even worse. All that I want to do now, is curl up in some dark, damp corner and die. I don't know how to live without him, I don't know what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be. He was - is - my world. And without him, I have nothing, nothing at all. No reason to keep going, to keep trying to better myself. I will go to Canada, I will go to Spain. But I doubt that I will have much fun there. Depression like I haven't felt for a year and a half has taken its hold on me again. And I don't know how, when, or if I will ever shake it again. I wish I could make him trust me again, wish that I could show him just how sorry I am, and just how utterly determined I am to make things right between me and his friends. How determined I am to win him back, to make him see that I can, will, and, indeed already have, changed.

Kevin, you are my world, the only reason I keep living. And now, through my stupid reactions, and actions, words and just utter stupidity, I have lost you. All that I want is to be loved, to be held and kissed, and I will do anything in the world to regain your trust. Name it and consider it done. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, to take me back and to trust me again. I know I have done you incredible harm, and for that I will never, ever, forgive myself. I will always love you. I always have.