Its over, its all over. Today (well, last night really), Kevin broke up with me. It hurts more than I can ever possibly describe. I don't know what to do, I really really do not. I am going to Canada on monday, leaving at 6:00am. On the 25th of august i am flying from pittsburgh to spain. I won't be back untill December. God knows where Kevin will be by then. I hope somewhere, where I can get to though, hopefully somewhere here in the states.
I will follow him for the rest of my life, begging for forgiveness, and for him to take me back. I really don't know if it will ever happen though.
I feel so incredibly stupid and retarded, so ashamed of myself that I can't even describe it. I don't know what to do or to say, I don't know who I can talk to. I have to stop begging him to take me back though - as is its only causing him more pain and hurt. I have to grow up, I have to move on, but I just really don't know how to. I feel much like I did when I came home from camp to my parents getting divorced - only, somehow this is even worse. All that I want to do now, is curl up in some dark, damp corner and die. I don't know how to live without him, I don't know what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be. He was - is - my world. And without him, I have nothing, nothing at all. No reason to keep going, to keep trying to better myself. I will go to Canada, I will go to Spain. But I doubt that I will have much fun there. Depression like I haven't felt for a year and a half has taken its hold on me again. And I don't know how, when, or if I will ever shake it again. I wish I could make him trust me again, wish that I could show him just how sorry I am, and just how utterly determined I am to make things right between me and his friends. How determined I am to win him back, to make him see that I can, will, and, indeed already have, changed.
Kevin, you are my world, the only reason I keep living. And now, through my stupid reactions, and actions, words and just utter stupidity, I have lost you. All that I want is to be loved, to be held and kissed, and I will do anything in the world to regain your trust. Name it and consider it done. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, to take me back and to trust me again. I know I have done you incredible harm, and for that I will never, ever, forgive myself. I will always love you. I always have.
This Blog
This blog is about my & my families lives. Much of whats here is (and will be) about us, what we are doing, feeling, thinking.
I'm a stay at home mom right now, and am loving it. My son was born in March of 2007, and he's super - growing like a little weed, and learning about the world around him. He was breastfeed exclusivly till around 6.5 months when we started letting him self-feed. Now he eats everything (though he's still nursing like a pro!), and is just an amazing little guy. He's slowly learning how to walk, so he can get it even more stuff than he does already. In many ways I can't wait. In others, I hope he takes his time!!
I also have a strong activist side of me, so from time to time, you'll see things that have me in a tizzy for whatever reason - Darfur, the Congo, Iraq, the environment, and the many other things I feel strongly about. If you happen to agree and would like to help out, I urge you to check out my links under Activism. Find your state's PIRG, write your senators, congressman, etc about things that you believe in (or don't!), just get involved. This country of ours needs you, me and everyone to start caring. Because if we don't, pretty soon there's not going to be much left to care about.
I'm a stay at home mom right now, and am loving it. My son was born in March of 2007, and he's super - growing like a little weed, and learning about the world around him. He was breastfeed exclusivly till around 6.5 months when we started letting him self-feed. Now he eats everything (though he's still nursing like a pro!), and is just an amazing little guy. He's slowly learning how to walk, so he can get it even more stuff than he does already. In many ways I can't wait. In others, I hope he takes his time!!
I also have a strong activist side of me, so from time to time, you'll see things that have me in a tizzy for whatever reason - Darfur, the Congo, Iraq, the environment, and the many other things I feel strongly about. If you happen to agree and would like to help out, I urge you to check out my links under Activism. Find your state's PIRG, write your senators, congressman, etc about things that you believe in (or don't!), just get involved. This country of ours needs you, me and everyone to start caring. Because if we don't, pretty soon there's not going to be much left to care about.
No comments:
Post a Comment