Crazyness

Well, its a crazy feeling right now - I have less than 2 weeks before I come home for christmas. I can`t in all honestly quite believe it. But its true. I`m still having a blast here in Spain, and am absolutely amazed at how much I`ve already learned.

Lately I`ve been hanging out with a couple of guys from Morocco (sp?), who are all very cool - Omar, Sidi & Alli. They all speak 3 languages - Arabic, French and Spanish. Crazyness. But its a blast to hang out with them, since they`ve lived here in Salamanca for 6 years now and so know it better than I ever will... Going to bars with thems great, since they know just about everybody=) But, whats probably best of all is that since they don`t speak english, I *have* to speak spanish... which is super good for me (though occasionly it makes for difficulties...). Still, generally its a blast.

Whats most crazy at the moment though is that I now only have 1 or 2 more days of class left before my exams (today and friday for Art History, Communications and Culture, and today, friday and monday for grammar!!). We`ve gone over SOO much stuff, as my grammar teacher says, we`ve apparently covered basicly every part of the spanish language... crazyness.

But... yeah, I can`t wait to get home and see everyone again.

Snoopy

Well, I guess I should have known that such a good few days couldnt possibly last forever... Just found out that snoopy died last night. Which really really sucks. Was the last thing I expected when Dad called... I mean... I know she is, was.. old but, still. Just... yeah. Wish I could see her one last time... thats all. She was a good dog... I´ll miss her.

Tapas

Well, friday night was quite fun. Went out for tapas (apetizers), with my entire grammar class. Was quite fun... we went to two different places, both of which are very close to where I live... the first one (El Lechón), I have been to before, but the other one (Mares del Van Dyck), I had not... and it is both very good and cheap (just 1.50€ for a tapa and small beer or sidra (cider). I personally opted for sidra, as I love it... and its very good there. Also, its tapas are apparently typical of Galacia which means that they´re almost all seafood related (mussels, clams, calamari, shrimp, etc)... quite yummy.

After tapas, we ended up going to a Salsa bar. Which was tons of fun. I ended up dancing with some guy from Argentina who was very good, which made it quite a lot of fun as I just kind of had to "follow" as it were... got tired after awhile.

Also I finally found a book to read. Imagéns en Accion (Moving Pictures), by Terry Pratchet. Its pretty good, and I am happy to say that I understand it well enough to understand at least some of the humour=)

class, class and more class

Well, this week was back to normal (almost) here in spain... Except of course that monday was Halloween and Tuesday was well, I´m not honestly sure what the holiday was, the day of the dead, or something. Which meant that we didn´t have school... which was nice. But, whats not been so nice is that today, and yesterday I have/had 8 hours of class. Ugh. 4 hours in the morning, and 4 hours in the afternoon. And after class? Tae Kwon Do=) Makes for long days...

On the bright side, apparently, as long as the music is in spanish, you can listen to music in at least one of my classes. Which is super cool. So, now I´m on the hunt for good rock music in spanish. Should be interesting... Whats cool though, is that one of the little shops that sells music will let you listen to different CDs before you buy them, so that you can decide if you actually like them or not. Tis quite nice (so, yeah, I broke down and bought one CD, Jarabe de Palo "Depende." Now I just have to get it on my iPod ).

Anyhow.. thats about all thats new/exciting around here. Mostly just lots of class atm. But yeah. We have/are starting Subjuntive conjugations... which are actually, thankfully, pretty easy.

Venice, Paris...

Well, its been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. Thats for sure. Nearly two weeks ago now, I left for Venice, and had an absolute blast. Venice was/is a beautiful city. All the little tiny streets - many, if not most are no more than 4 or 5 feet wide, along with a ton of bridges, just makes for an absolutely beautiful city. San Marcos Square (or Piazzele I should say...) is absolutely beautiful. All light up at night, with the Basilica and Tower looming over everything... Music from 3 or 4 different little bands playing. Its just amazing.

For most of the time that I was in Venice, I was lost. Didn´t even have a map for the first couple days (they all cost at least 3 or 4 euros...), and then I finally found one, along with a guidebook. Made exploring a bit more interesting since I actually knew (or could at least figure out), what I was seeing/had seen. Also stumbled on a couple of nifty museums my last couple days. One was the Naval History Museum. It was very very cool... lots and lots of model ships from every time period - from the old Venetian vessels with oars all the way up to modern Italian ships. They even had one whole room dedicated to Oriental ships and such. Was just a very very cool museum.

Then of course, just this past weekend, I went to Paris. I was only back in Salamanca for barely 2 days, before leaving again. Insane. Paris too was quite cool, and very pretty. The Eifel Tower was cool, but I definetly liked Notre Dame the best. It was just soo amazing. Went up in the Towers my last morning there, and got to see all the chimeras (gargoyles) up-close, as well as an absolutely spectacular view of Paris. Its just such an incredible, beautiful building. Inside, all the rose windows, with stained glass... Its just incredible. Absolutely incredible.

So yeah. I´ve had a pretty crazy past couple of weeks. Can check out all my pictures of Paris/Venice online now (they´re all up... all 500-600 of them =). http://emilyrose.smugmug.com

Fun Stuff

Well, its been a kinda crazy past couple of weeks... I´m now (after some class and level changes/additions) taking 5 hours of school a day (25 a week)... including taking both Art History and Spanish Culture. They´re both great, and espcially nice after so much pure spanish communications/grammar for the past month (and don´t wory, I still have 3 hours of that every day too=). I´ve also managed to move up to C2 (the next to highest level of intermediate)... so I´m really learning a lot now. Next week we start on past imperfect and futuro and conditional tenses/conjugations. I´m really excited... and I absolutely love art and culture both... they´re both taught exclusively (or nearly exclusively, as occasional the teacher will use english so that you know what a new word is...) in spanish, and are very cool.

Whats honestly most exciting though (and a bit scary as well), is that tommorrow, I am leaving Salamanca for 5 days to travel - by foot, train and aeroplane to Venice, Italy. All by myself. I´m really excited about going. I´ll miss a day of school (and most upsettingly a two days of Tae Kwon Do.=(, but by doing so I save nearly 200 dollars. So I figure its probably worth it. So yeah. If anyone has any suggestions as were I should go in Venice, feel free to suggest away for the next couple of days (I come back on Monday).

And yeah, thats about it. Still taking Tae Kwon Do here, and I absolutely love it... take a total of 6 hours a week (2 hours monday, wednesday and thursday each). Helps me to practice my spanish, and also gives me something else to do in the evenings. Anyhow though, I´ll post again when I get back from Venice...

Santander

Santander. Wow. What a beautiful city. Beautiful beaches, with waves plenty big enough to surf on (proved by the fact that there were literally dozens of people out surfing on Saturday night, untill it truely got too dark to see!!).

I hung out on the beach for most of Saturday evening and night - ate a boccadillo (sub) sitting up on a rock overlooking the ocean, twas beautiful. Got up kinda early on Sunday and ate breakfast, which, quite happily was very good... all kinds of food for breakfast, including lots that we used to make sandwiches with for the ride home.

After breakfast I wandered around Santander a little bit, and then back down onto the beach again =) Around 12:30 we left the hotel and went to the ´down town´ section of Santander... wanderd around there for a while as well, and found a little market.

The markets here are kind of funny... Some of the stuff is blatantly obviously stolen. Like the table that seriously had nothing but VHS movies and DVD´s... which were obviusly from a movie rental place (as they were in the funky cases, complete with numbers...), or the other table that mostly had silverware and a remote control and other random stuff.

Then we went and visted some gardens and saw the royal palace/mansion which was pretty cool... They also have three ships that apparently crossed the Atlantic at some point on display, and they are absolutely TINY... maybe 30 feet long, at absolute most.

There was also a mini-zoo, which had penguins, sea lions and seals. It was kind of cool... penguins are awesome=)

Other than that... just the 5 hour busride back to Salamanca.

And then this morning... I had my second placement test to see which level I get to study in for the next 3 months... I really think I´ll be in Intermediate though I´m not entirely sure.. will find out here in a little bit.

Tae Kwon Do

Well, the past week sure has been pretty cool and exciting.

I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes on Wednsday and Thursday of last week, and they went very well... Everyone is both very nice and understanding.

On Friday night we all (everyone from Tae Kwon Do), went out together, first to dinner (we went to some nice place down the street where we ate tapas and drank wine for 3 hours... was very very good. Tapas are awesome!!), and then out to a couple different discotecas. The first place we went to I´d never been before, but it turned out to be very very nice. It was really cool too, cause everyone, including the instructor went out with us... I ended up going home around 4:30 or so, mostly cause´ I had to get up at 8:00 to go to Santander the next morning=)

On the way up to Santander the next morning, we stopped by the Museo de Altamira where we saw replicas of 15-18,000 year old cave paintings as well as some of the other stuff that they´ve since found in the cave (flint knives, bone tools, jewlery, etc). It was kinda cool... they also have a complete full-scale model of the cave that we got a tour through, so that was neat as well, though I wish that we could have seen the actual cave and cave paintings, but oh well. In anycase though, it was pretty cool...

=)

Well the past few days have been quite good... Had exams on Monday and today (tuesday), and they all went fairly well... haven´t really gotten results back, but I feel pretty good about most of them (one not so sure about... but we´ll see).

I also am now planning on taking Tae Kwon Do here in Salamanca. There´s a really good looking class just 10-15 minutes from my house, and its not too expensive... Went and watched a class on Monday and it looked pretty good, so I think I´m planning on going back and starting to take classes on Wed (three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday).

Also, Kevin finally found a job, so thats super exciting... a YMCA Camp in the blueridge mountains of South Carolina. It sounds beautiful!! I´m actually kind of jealous=) Hope that works out, I´m sure it will... he´s just happy right now though, just to have a job=)

Ferias de Toros!! Awesome!!!!

Wow. Yesterday was soo amazing. I went to see the last bull fight, the one with horses... and it was just sooo cool. The horses were some of the best horses that I have ever seen... They were doing western reigning tricks (including some that I´ve never even heard of before, like the horse would rear and leap forward off its hind legs... it was just amazing), but while fighting/being chased by a raging mad bull. The riders were soo cool. I totally wish that they had more bull fights. It was just too cool.

I can´t even hardly explain how cool... one horse seriusly spun in circles while being chased by the bull... it was incredible. I´m uploading what pictures I have just now... they´ll all be up soon on smugmug, though I don´t really have any super cool pictures as I was just too amazed to even take pictures of the coolest stuff!! It was, seriously though, some of the best riding that I have ever ever ever ever seen.

Then last night I went out with friends and had a blast... didn´t spend hardly any money, but had tons of fun. We met some old tourist guy from Chicago who was just traveling around Spain for 10 days taking pictures and such. He was really really cool... I think he was mostly thrilled to meet people that he could talk to... Not that many people here speak english.

But yeah. I´m still amazed whenever I think about the bullfights yesterday... the riding was just soo spectacular. So, oh so so so awesome, and amazing. If only I could see more =) But, alas, only one of those fights here in Salamanca per year =( But, at least I got to see one...

Ferias de Toros 2

Ugh. Well, I currently feel like crap. Didn´t even goto class today... throat hurt like all hell, though I think its mostly cause´ its soo frigging dry (and also cause´ the weather changes here, more, faster, than anywhere I´ve ever been. Seriously. Yesterday it was like 50 degrees. Today? Its like 80.)

Anywho... Went to my second bullfight yesterday (where I froze, since when I left it was nice-ish and the temperature proceeded to plummet like 20 degrees while I was sitting watching... ::grumble::), which was, once again quite cool. The people sitting on either side of me broke out awesome looking sandwhiches about half way through. What genious. Bring food. Who woulda thunk it?? Awesomely though, guys here in spain are super nice.. and one of them gave me like half his =). Anyhow though, theres more pictures up of the bullfight... and if I can remember my tripod password I´ll upload the couple of movies too in the next couple of days.

Fiesta, Bullfights, Circus

Well wow, its been a while since I posted on here.... Just been a pretty crazy, exciting week.

I´m learning a lot of spanish right now... we´re moving along pretty quickly in classes, and so its kind of hard, but mostly just lots of fun. I´m still hanging out mostly with the kids from my class, although I´ve been trying to go out by myself again so that I meet spanish people and speak spanish... its very helpful to have a buzz while speaking a foreign language - somehow you just don´t feel nearly as stupid=).

Went and saw a bullfight on Thursday, it was pretty cool... I kinda couldn´t (and still don´t) believe just how much I really, truely liked it... but yeah. I´m going again tommorrow, but I got a better seat this time (not looking straight into the sun, thank god=).

The Fiesta seems to have mostly ended on Thursday with one final blowout concert, though there continue to be random other events going on (like the circus performing in the plaza for an hour, totally randomly at 1pm just after I got out of class... 3 elephants in the plaza!! Just standing around!!=)... So it will be interesting to see what Salamanca´s like when its not a huge week-long party going on.

I spent a good hour or two online yesterday uploading bunches of new pictures (mostly of the circus... which, I´ll be honest... mostly means elephants, and the bullfight). So go check´m out.. http://emilyrose.smugmug.com !!

Fiesta de Salamanca!! WOOHOO!!

Yesterday was incredible. Thats all I can say. It was the first day of a two week long festival. Which meant that at one point shortly after posting yesterday, like every guy between 8 and 18 in all of Salamanca was LITERALLY running down the street!! There was also a band and a bunch of guys in huge masks hitting at them... it was pretty insane.

Then last night there were fireworks which were actually very very good. And then we went and drank beer in the Plaza Mayor and listend to some band from either France or Hungary (no-one´s really sure... some programs say hungary some say france...).. and then we went dancing untill like 5am when everything finally closed.. and then we went and found food. Which meant that, by the time I got back to the house and went to bed it was at least 6:30am. What a crazy night it was. Absolutely crazy. But tons of fun.

Oh. And I´ve decided that I really want to go to Austria and learn Austrian/German. Because I´ve met soo many people from there, and they are all SOO cool. I really really want to go to Vienna. Definetly going to have to go there sometime. Just cause´.

Pictures!!

Well everybody I finally have pictures up online... http://emilyrose.smugmug.com so go check´m out!! School´s still going pretty well... Planing on going out tonight with Stephanie and Kristine as well as some guy from Pakistan who´s in our class too. He´s pretty cool... works for there ¨ministry of foreign affairs´or something like that... so he´s here for 9 months learning spanish. Should be fun... tonight I expect will be a huge night for partying as nobody has class tommorrow (tis the Fiesta de Salamanca)... so yeah. Should be lotsa fun. Sposed to be fireworks tonight too. Plus they built yet another gigantic stage (the 2nd one this week!! Built one for last Saturday/Sunday, then tore it down and painted a chessboard on the plaza... then got rid of that, and started putting up another stage!! Tis crazyness!!)

Sup

Well, still lotsa fun here in Salamanca. Started classes again today, went fairly well. Also found out just how much we´re being totally overcharged by API - by about 3 thousand odd dollars!! 1 month at the university costs a total of 450 euros. Plus another 400 for the host family per month. So yeah. Basicly... I could stay for another 6 months for half what we paid for 4. Makes me sick. Especially since I´m totally *not* happy with API at this point at all. Between the director being a bitch to me, and them just really doing absolutely nothing other than setting everything up for you... yeah. Kinda sad. Oh well though. Might try and come home for christmas and then come back (but just through the university) for another few months. It´d be no more expensive thats for sure!!

Anywho though... Planning on going out tonight with a couple of super cool Austrian girls - they said that they´ll teach me some german/austrian while we learn spanish too, so its quite cool!!

Classes, Salamanca, partying... fun-ness!!

Well, today is saturday and in a little while I´m going to go to some play-type-thing (i think thats what it is anyhow... ´teatre animado´) about Don Quiote (sp?)...

Yesteday was also our first day of class, and it went pretty well. I´m in the ´beginner´classes, of course, but thats Ok. Theres a couple other girls from the US (though they came via different programs or whatever, so I didn´t know them beforehand), as well as two girls from Vienna, Austria who are super super cool.. meant to meat up with them last night, but it just didn´t happen. Theres also one guy from Norway, two from Japan and another guy from somewhere else (can´t member where exactly... somewhere in europe, I think).

Spain is also, apparently, one of only two countries in all of europe (the other being france...), where like nobody speaks english (or at least, refuse to do so..). The girls from Austria speak EXCELLENT english, and were super surprised that nobody here does.

Mostly having a blast though... I think I´ll bring my camera to the plaza on monday (when I have my backpack with school stuff), and take some pictures, then try and get them online for everyone to see.. My classes are all in the same building and its beautiful, gold colored sandstone with all kinds of crazy ornate stuff around it. But yeah. Lots of fun...

Salamanca

Yesterday was our first full day in Salamanca and it went quite well.. we had a tour of the city and then time to hang out and do whatever.

Last night we all ended up going out together around 11:00pm... The bar we went to, was absolutely awesome. Thats all there is to it...

Girls drank for FREE all night long - "open bar" - at least as far as beer, sangria and some other drink were concerned. None of us planned on getting wasted... but man, we just couldn´t pass up free alcohol. As for the guys, they had to pay a whopping 4 euros (about 5 bucks), and then drank as much as they wanted too. I couldn´t believe it, none of us could. And, whats more, this is apparently the case at this bar EVERY tuesday and wednesday!! So yeah, we all now know when we´re going to be getting totally wasted... ::grin::

Then this morning at 8:30am we had our placement test... don´t know how it went, but will find out here very shortly (like 15 mins actually...)... I´m guessing I´ll be in the "beginner" class. But, yeah. I still can´t quite believe I drank so much (had at least 8 drinks) for FREE. Pure crazyness. I wonder if other bars have the same deal on other nights... God bless Salamanca, god bless spain... where beer is cheaper than frigging water!!

Salamanca, the hurricane... crazyness!!

Hmm.. I just got done reading about the Hurricane, of which I have not heard (or at least understood) much, until now. I don´t know what to say. Its, its just frigging crazy.

Anyhow though, I´m in Salamanca now, and so have finally been able to unpack and settle-down, which is very nice. Tommorrow we have our placement test and find out what classes we are taking, and when they are, and get our books, and all of that kind of stuff.. So thats kind of exciting.

Other than that though haven´t been doing too much... Mostly just haning out, sleeping and eating. (the food is qutie good, incidentally).

Toledo, Madrid, Spain!!

Well, Spain is quite cool. We´ve been doing some site-seeing these past couple of days... Finally got our cell phones today, so now I can finally call people/be called.

Today we went to Toledo, which was a pretty cool city. Lots of big, old buildings... The Cathedral was pretty cool/amazing, and definetly beautiful.

Can´t wait to get to Salamanca tommorrow night. Should be interesting. Apparently, the house that I´m living in is pretty nice, so thats exciting... though I think its one of the farthest from the University, but thats OK, just means I´ll get more excersize..

I can´t quite believe how much money I´ve spent in the past few days. Spains much more expensive than i initially relized, kinda scared. Hopefully though, once we get to Salamanca (and stop having to pay for meals..), it will become a bit cheaper. I guess you could say that right now, at least, we are kind of on ´vacation´and then as of tommorrow night we´ll be ´home´. Or something.

Madrid

I made it to Spain just fine yesteday, and have been wandering around the streets of Madrid ever since (well, except for a few hours when i went to bed, obviously=). Turns out I´m rooming with Breana, who´s from Colorado. At first, this was super cool - I didn´t in fact have to wander around by myself. However, as the day/night progressed... I decided that I wasn´t quite sure.

See, she´s a bit of a well... a wimp. Seems a bit scared to cross streets, if theres a car coming (even if its like 1/4 mile away!!) for some strange reason (this being despite the fact that shes lived in/around DENVER her entire frigging life...). And then, last night, after dinner when it was just barely starting to get dark around 9:30... she said, and I quote ´´I don´t realy like walking around after dark, especially in Madrid...´´ so, we went back to the Hotel, and guess what? She went to frigging bed. Obviously, this is WAY to early for bed for me (I´d be up around like 6:30, at the latest...), so I stayed up and read for a little while, before becoming bored and going out to wander around Madrid, at night, by myself. It wasn´t bad, but I couldn´t really find much to do, so in the end I settled for a beer at a random bar and then went back and read an listend to my iPod for a while untill I finally went to bed around 2am (and, you know what?? I *still* woke up before here - at 9:30am.. I just don´t know how people can sleep for sooo frigging long...).

In anycase though, so far Madrids been pretty cool. Lots of people (really, too many for my tastes..), and I think I managed to find the ´´happenin´´ section of town a little bit ago, so hopefully tonight will be more fun than last.

Been back from Canada for just over a week now, and am in terrible turmoil still. Up untill Saturday, I thought things might be, overall, OK. Kevin was calling me his girlfriend, even told me that he loved me a couple of times. And then I asked the hard questions.

Do you love me? Are you still mad at me? That sort of thing... and the answers were painful, he still doesn't know if he loves me. He's confused. He's 'not happy' with me... still mad, in other words, but doesn't want to admit it. But at least he still wants to be friends. So, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that, for now. Have to be OK with that... though I really don't want to be. I just want to be with him, to feel his love again. Want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, thats all. But he won't do that... can't, something. I don't know.

I think he's scared, scared of loving me. Scared that he's going to drag me around the country and make me unhappy... But, I'll do anything in the world to be with him, to be by his side. I guess I am going to Spain this fall... four months away from each other. I'm scared to death what that will do. Maybe it'll be good... maybe just one month (Canada), wasn't/isn't long enough for him to see how much I mean to him. I just... I just hope that someday we're together again. Thats all. I love him, I miss him, and I want to be with him, always and forever.

Because I've always loved him, always. And I always will... I know that, there's no question in my mind. His dad says he just 'needs to grow up'... I hope he hurries it up, because I just want to be loved. And nobody else in the world, means anything to me, besides him (and my family, of course). I have zero desire to be with anyone else, ever. I just love him too much. I want to hear his voice everyday, lay beside him every night, hold him in my arms, rub his back. I just love him.

Caring

How can he not care, at just a snap of a finger, just all of a sudden not care. He says that he still does, but obviously he does not. Just a stone cold face, never smiling - not at me. No emotion at all, not a hint of sorrow. Just this is how things are, and fuck you.

I love him to death, to the point that I don't know what to do. All I can think about is him. And whenever I do, its all I can do to keep myself from crying, crying because I miss him. And its all my fault. Every little bit of it, and nothing I can do to make it right.

Nothing in the world that I could ever do, to make it one tiny little bit better. All I want to do, is hug him, and be hugged, held, kissed. Forgiven. Apparently I never forgive people. And apparently I'm a horrible person. Everyone says thats not true, but thats what he said, and I hate to admit it but I value his opion more than anyone elses. Hes my world, and hes gone... and so too thus is my world.

What am I going to do now... Now that I'm living alone. I feel like an empty shell now, just going through the motions. Can't eat or drink, hardly sleep. I feel sick inside, and all I want to do now is cry. I love him too much, can't believe that I've lost him.

I just dont' know what to do now. Don't have the slightest clue... All I want to do is lay down and die... make it all go away... Just make the pain stop, make it stop hurting.

Pain.

Its over, its all over. Today (well, last night really), Kevin broke up with me. It hurts more than I can ever possibly describe. I don't know what to do, I really really do not. I am going to Canada on monday, leaving at 6:00am. On the 25th of august i am flying from pittsburgh to spain. I won't be back untill December. God knows where Kevin will be by then. I hope somewhere, where I can get to though, hopefully somewhere here in the states.

I will follow him for the rest of my life, begging for forgiveness, and for him to take me back. I really don't know if it will ever happen though.

I feel so incredibly stupid and retarded, so ashamed of myself that I can't even describe it. I don't know what to do or to say, I don't know who I can talk to. I have to stop begging him to take me back though - as is its only causing him more pain and hurt. I have to grow up, I have to move on, but I just really don't know how to. I feel much like I did when I came home from camp to my parents getting divorced - only, somehow this is even worse. All that I want to do now, is curl up in some dark, damp corner and die. I don't know how to live without him, I don't know what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be. He was - is - my world. And without him, I have nothing, nothing at all. No reason to keep going, to keep trying to better myself. I will go to Canada, I will go to Spain. But I doubt that I will have much fun there. Depression like I haven't felt for a year and a half has taken its hold on me again. And I don't know how, when, or if I will ever shake it again. I wish I could make him trust me again, wish that I could show him just how sorry I am, and just how utterly determined I am to make things right between me and his friends. How determined I am to win him back, to make him see that I can, will, and, indeed already have, changed.

Kevin, you are my world, the only reason I keep living. And now, through my stupid reactions, and actions, words and just utter stupidity, I have lost you. All that I want is to be loved, to be held and kissed, and I will do anything in the world to regain your trust. Name it and consider it done. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, to take me back and to trust me again. I know I have done you incredible harm, and for that I will never, ever, forgive myself. I will always love you. I always have.

Hmpht. I hate fighting. Most of all I hate fighting with Kevin. It happend again last night. This time because I told Corey's mother that her son does coke (and, if, as she claims, she doesn't give him enough money to do so, he probably sells weed in order to have money to do coke), sue me. He fucking leaped on top of me, and tried to punch me in the face as hard as he fucking could. And then, when *I* went back to try and apologize for kick/pushing him in the back with my foot and telling him to shut the fuck up, he slapped me across the face. And then proceeded to punch more holes in our walls, and in our door. And hasn't said a damn thing to me since then. But I'm supposed to be just all happy happy joy joy about it, as if nothing fucking happend. Fuck off.

I love Kevin to death, I really really do. But I can't put up with this shit forever. There comes a point where I just can't, and won't up with it anymore. If shit doesn't change, and change big, in the next week I'm moving out. I just can't deal with it anymore.

So this Saturday was my grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary. And it actually went remarkably well. Got to see basicly my Dads ENTIRE family... both sides!! Including several people that I haven't seen in years... And of course everyone wanted to hear about Peru, and where I'm going next (Canada. Then Spain.). So yeah, twas quite nice.

Bah. A week later, here we are.

Yesterday was Kevin's 23rd Birth Day. So guess what happend? I finally couldn't take it anymore and blew up at him over the entire past weeks BS (Corey STILL hasn't spoken a word to me, shocker). Its the maddest I've ever been at Kevin. But at least now he knows how I feel, and maybe next time one of his friends decides its their right to talk shit, he'll say something, instead of pretending nothings going on and even laughing from time to time.

Anyhow though, eventually everything worked out an we went to a party together (minus Corey and Mark).

Another night, another fight. This is why I quit drinking.

So yeah. Last night, I got drunk super super early an passed out happily on the couch around 8 or 9pm. I woke up at 11pm to having shit thrown at me and lots of other crap being thrown around the room as Mickey and Corey (and to a much lesser degree, Mark) went insane. Honestly, the smart thing for me to do at this point would undoubtably been to have just gone to bed. But, of course, seeing as I was still drunk (and no longer tired. It's amazing how fast you can wake up when people are literally THROWING things at you...), I couldn't think rationally enough to do so. This is why I quit drinking.

Eventually one person left, leaving one of the main instigators of the problem at our house w/o a way back home (Mickey)... and she kept trying to get others to drive her home (and EVERYONE was drunk). So, I took all the keys I could find/see and hid them. Sue me. I just didn't think that anyone else needed a DUI.

So then, Kevin (my boyfriend) starts begging me to give him his keys back so he can drunkenly drive Mickey home. I wouldn't do it, so Corey started calling me names - cunt, hoar, slut, etc for no good f'ing reason, other than I wouldn't let a drunk drive another drunk home. Once again, sue me. So eventually I got tired of being called names and kicked him in the back an told him to shut the fuck up. He wouldn't so I kicked him again, an he attacked me - literally. He seriously got up and leaped ontop of me an tried his damndest to punch me in the face. I blocked, an kicked *HIM* in the face, apparently breaking his glasses in the process. Not much else important happend after that except a lil more fighting here and there.

Only now, he's saying its against the rules to kick people in the face. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I must have missed that part of the "Rules of Engagement" lecture. F' Off!! If your going to jump on me and try to pummel me in the face, I, personally, am going to KICK you wherever the hell I can to best get you off of me. If your face happens to be that location, then thats where your going to get kicked. F Off.

So then, my boyfriend was pissed and dissapeared for something around 3-4 hours. I cooled down went out tried to talk to him (where I got slapped a couple of times, an laughed at him, cause he was being SOO f'ing stupid an retarded at that point). Then, I went to try and find my boyfriend. Didn't succeded (as it turns out, he went WAY farther than I thought he did...), came back and what do we have here? But like 3 or 4 more holes punched in the walls. Curtesy of Core. I went to bed, an now here we are the next day. Don't know what to do. Kevin is apparently mostly mad at Corey but also mad at me... so yeah. I get to sit back here in our room, while they all do their thing in the family room. Stupid f'ing drunk bastards.

Wow. So I don't think I've ever wandered around Hocking College for SO long looking for so many different random people (most of whom I've never spoken to before), in order to be able to graduate this summer. So yeah. Think I finally have it (mostly) all figured out... am gonna do an internship/practicum thingy with Norm Fox down at Robbins Crossing working with lil kids and interp students:) So that should be fun... Only thing that sucks is its at 9am on fridays. BAH! But, meh, you win some an you lose some... so whatever.

I don't know what it is. I really really don't. What I *do* know is that my roomates have made it very clear that they do not want to hang out with me. How do I know this? Well, see we have two rooms in our house with TV's that are 'public' along with a tv back in me and my boyfriends bedroom. Normally everyone watches TV out in the main room, instead of in the tiny cramped music-room with the lil itty bitty TV. Unless *I* happen to be watching TV in the main room. In which case, everyone evacuates to the crappy lil room. If I'm not home, (or am back in my room on the compter (like now) watching tv) guess where everyone is? The main room.

SO yeah, I've decided that its just far too stupid. I really don't care anymore. But it still fucking hurts. What did I ever do to the bastards?

So, once again, I'm going to be limited in what I can do in this world - because of *one* incident 14 odd years ago. First, it was the realization that I would never be able to fly an airplane. Then it was finding out that I will never be able to scuba dive. Now, I realize that I will not be able to get my Red Card. I wonder how many other fun/cool things I will never be able to do in my life because of one stupid seizure when I was six.