Been back from Canada for just over a week now, and am in terrible turmoil still. Up untill Saturday, I thought things might be, overall, OK. Kevin was calling me his girlfriend, even told me that he loved me a couple of times. And then I asked the hard questions.

Do you love me? Are you still mad at me? That sort of thing... and the answers were painful, he still doesn't know if he loves me. He's confused. He's 'not happy' with me... still mad, in other words, but doesn't want to admit it. But at least he still wants to be friends. So, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that, for now. Have to be OK with that... though I really don't want to be. I just want to be with him, to feel his love again. Want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, thats all. But he won't do that... can't, something. I don't know.

I think he's scared, scared of loving me. Scared that he's going to drag me around the country and make me unhappy... But, I'll do anything in the world to be with him, to be by his side. I guess I am going to Spain this fall... four months away from each other. I'm scared to death what that will do. Maybe it'll be good... maybe just one month (Canada), wasn't/isn't long enough for him to see how much I mean to him. I just... I just hope that someday we're together again. Thats all. I love him, I miss him, and I want to be with him, always and forever.

Because I've always loved him, always. And I always will... I know that, there's no question in my mind. His dad says he just 'needs to grow up'... I hope he hurries it up, because I just want to be loved. And nobody else in the world, means anything to me, besides him (and my family, of course). I have zero desire to be with anyone else, ever. I just love him too much. I want to hear his voice everyday, lay beside him every night, hold him in my arms, rub his back. I just love him.

Caring

How can he not care, at just a snap of a finger, just all of a sudden not care. He says that he still does, but obviously he does not. Just a stone cold face, never smiling - not at me. No emotion at all, not a hint of sorrow. Just this is how things are, and fuck you.

I love him to death, to the point that I don't know what to do. All I can think about is him. And whenever I do, its all I can do to keep myself from crying, crying because I miss him. And its all my fault. Every little bit of it, and nothing I can do to make it right.

Nothing in the world that I could ever do, to make it one tiny little bit better. All I want to do, is hug him, and be hugged, held, kissed. Forgiven. Apparently I never forgive people. And apparently I'm a horrible person. Everyone says thats not true, but thats what he said, and I hate to admit it but I value his opion more than anyone elses. Hes my world, and hes gone... and so too thus is my world.

What am I going to do now... Now that I'm living alone. I feel like an empty shell now, just going through the motions. Can't eat or drink, hardly sleep. I feel sick inside, and all I want to do now is cry. I love him too much, can't believe that I've lost him.

I just dont' know what to do now. Don't have the slightest clue... All I want to do is lay down and die... make it all go away... Just make the pain stop, make it stop hurting.

Pain.

Its over, its all over. Today (well, last night really), Kevin broke up with me. It hurts more than I can ever possibly describe. I don't know what to do, I really really do not. I am going to Canada on monday, leaving at 6:00am. On the 25th of august i am flying from pittsburgh to spain. I won't be back untill December. God knows where Kevin will be by then. I hope somewhere, where I can get to though, hopefully somewhere here in the states.

I will follow him for the rest of my life, begging for forgiveness, and for him to take me back. I really don't know if it will ever happen though.

I feel so incredibly stupid and retarded, so ashamed of myself that I can't even describe it. I don't know what to do or to say, I don't know who I can talk to. I have to stop begging him to take me back though - as is its only causing him more pain and hurt. I have to grow up, I have to move on, but I just really don't know how to. I feel much like I did when I came home from camp to my parents getting divorced - only, somehow this is even worse. All that I want to do now, is curl up in some dark, damp corner and die. I don't know how to live without him, I don't know what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be. He was - is - my world. And without him, I have nothing, nothing at all. No reason to keep going, to keep trying to better myself. I will go to Canada, I will go to Spain. But I doubt that I will have much fun there. Depression like I haven't felt for a year and a half has taken its hold on me again. And I don't know how, when, or if I will ever shake it again. I wish I could make him trust me again, wish that I could show him just how sorry I am, and just how utterly determined I am to make things right between me and his friends. How determined I am to win him back, to make him see that I can, will, and, indeed already have, changed.

Kevin, you are my world, the only reason I keep living. And now, through my stupid reactions, and actions, words and just utter stupidity, I have lost you. All that I want is to be loved, to be held and kissed, and I will do anything in the world to regain your trust. Name it and consider it done. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, to take me back and to trust me again. I know I have done you incredible harm, and for that I will never, ever, forgive myself. I will always love you. I always have.

Hmpht. I hate fighting. Most of all I hate fighting with Kevin. It happend again last night. This time because I told Corey's mother that her son does coke (and, if, as she claims, she doesn't give him enough money to do so, he probably sells weed in order to have money to do coke), sue me. He fucking leaped on top of me, and tried to punch me in the face as hard as he fucking could. And then, when *I* went back to try and apologize for kick/pushing him in the back with my foot and telling him to shut the fuck up, he slapped me across the face. And then proceeded to punch more holes in our walls, and in our door. And hasn't said a damn thing to me since then. But I'm supposed to be just all happy happy joy joy about it, as if nothing fucking happend. Fuck off.

I love Kevin to death, I really really do. But I can't put up with this shit forever. There comes a point where I just can't, and won't up with it anymore. If shit doesn't change, and change big, in the next week I'm moving out. I just can't deal with it anymore.

So this Saturday was my grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary. And it actually went remarkably well. Got to see basicly my Dads ENTIRE family... both sides!! Including several people that I haven't seen in years... And of course everyone wanted to hear about Peru, and where I'm going next (Canada. Then Spain.). So yeah, twas quite nice.

Bah. A week later, here we are.

Yesterday was Kevin's 23rd Birth Day. So guess what happend? I finally couldn't take it anymore and blew up at him over the entire past weeks BS (Corey STILL hasn't spoken a word to me, shocker). Its the maddest I've ever been at Kevin. But at least now he knows how I feel, and maybe next time one of his friends decides its their right to talk shit, he'll say something, instead of pretending nothings going on and even laughing from time to time.

Anyhow though, eventually everything worked out an we went to a party together (minus Corey and Mark).

Another night, another fight. This is why I quit drinking.

So yeah. Last night, I got drunk super super early an passed out happily on the couch around 8 or 9pm. I woke up at 11pm to having shit thrown at me and lots of other crap being thrown around the room as Mickey and Corey (and to a much lesser degree, Mark) went insane. Honestly, the smart thing for me to do at this point would undoubtably been to have just gone to bed. But, of course, seeing as I was still drunk (and no longer tired. It's amazing how fast you can wake up when people are literally THROWING things at you...), I couldn't think rationally enough to do so. This is why I quit drinking.

Eventually one person left, leaving one of the main instigators of the problem at our house w/o a way back home (Mickey)... and she kept trying to get others to drive her home (and EVERYONE was drunk). So, I took all the keys I could find/see and hid them. Sue me. I just didn't think that anyone else needed a DUI.

So then, Kevin (my boyfriend) starts begging me to give him his keys back so he can drunkenly drive Mickey home. I wouldn't do it, so Corey started calling me names - cunt, hoar, slut, etc for no good f'ing reason, other than I wouldn't let a drunk drive another drunk home. Once again, sue me. So eventually I got tired of being called names and kicked him in the back an told him to shut the fuck up. He wouldn't so I kicked him again, an he attacked me - literally. He seriously got up and leaped ontop of me an tried his damndest to punch me in the face. I blocked, an kicked *HIM* in the face, apparently breaking his glasses in the process. Not much else important happend after that except a lil more fighting here and there.

Only now, he's saying its against the rules to kick people in the face. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I must have missed that part of the "Rules of Engagement" lecture. F' Off!! If your going to jump on me and try to pummel me in the face, I, personally, am going to KICK you wherever the hell I can to best get you off of me. If your face happens to be that location, then thats where your going to get kicked. F Off.

So then, my boyfriend was pissed and dissapeared for something around 3-4 hours. I cooled down went out tried to talk to him (where I got slapped a couple of times, an laughed at him, cause he was being SOO f'ing stupid an retarded at that point). Then, I went to try and find my boyfriend. Didn't succeded (as it turns out, he went WAY farther than I thought he did...), came back and what do we have here? But like 3 or 4 more holes punched in the walls. Curtesy of Core. I went to bed, an now here we are the next day. Don't know what to do. Kevin is apparently mostly mad at Corey but also mad at me... so yeah. I get to sit back here in our room, while they all do their thing in the family room. Stupid f'ing drunk bastards.